She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
