dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
