You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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