Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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