just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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