Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
