From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
