I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
