I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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