Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
