im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Verdict: uncircumcised.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
