Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
