There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
