i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
