Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
