i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
