My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You dont lie about slip and slides
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
