So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
