Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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