Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
