please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
