Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
