Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
