dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
