I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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