Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
