why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
