I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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