Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
