Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
