The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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