no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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