He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
50% drunk capacity currently
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
