smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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