If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
