i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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