be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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