i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
