I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
