I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
