I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
