My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
