didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
