i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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