there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
