somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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