I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My vagina is officially offended.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
