no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My vagina just clenched in fear
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
