Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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