Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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