I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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