dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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