I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
