Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's blow job season.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
