Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
