who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
