so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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