I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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