Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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